Some people like to play classical music in their homes to feel at peace. I, on the other hand, prefer a soothing loop of Kourtney, Kim, and Khloe talking over one another and vigorously shaking their salads while their taut skin glistens through the screen.

What can I say? To quote the late, great André Leon Talley, “It’s a famine of beauty honey!” And my eyes, they be starving.

While the famous family is notorious for gatekeeping their “beauty secrets” (*cough* cosmetic procedures they may or may not have undergone *cough*), more than 10 years of air time has allowed me to clock nearly every non-invasive treatment they swear by.

So with season 2 of The Kardashians in full swing, I prepped for my weekly viewing party by trying three KarJenner-approved skin treatments long beloved by the reality royals: the vampire facial, an IV drip, and laser hair removal.

Treatment #1: The vampire facial (a.k.a. PRP microneedling)

As the name suggests, the vampire facial involves blood, except instead of drinking it in an effort to remain youthful, your own blood is used to stimulate collagen production and encourage cell turnover, rejuvenating skin to its most glowing state. I should preface this by sharing that I am not good with needles, blood, or pain, so this procedure felt like a real three-for-one special of stuff I’d rather avoid. But if Kim can say she’d eat actual poop if it made her look younger, I could do this, right? I made my way to Dr. Brett Beber’s Cosmetic Surgery to get the party started.

To prepare my face, Toronto registered nurse Madison Nagel applied a numbing cream (big fan) while she drew blood from my arm. From there, she spun it in a fancy machine that separated the red blood cells from the plasma-rich platelets, a.k.a. “liquid gold.” After extracting every drop into a pen-like device, she began to microneedle said liquid gold back into my skin, essentially getting me high on my own supply.

Blessedly, the entire procedure was completely painless; if anything, it felt like the RN was taking a vacuum back and forth along my face. And when the treatment was complete, rather than seeing a bloody crime scene, I was met with what resembled a mild sunburn.

Procedure time: One hour
Price: Typical cost is somewhere between $700 and $850
Down time: After treatment, there’s a strict ban on skincare, especially cleanser, for at least 24 hours. It’s also recommended that you avoid sweaty exercise and sun exposure for 72 hours, too. And vanity-wise, you might want to avoid the human race for a full 24.
Worth it: Two weeks out, I’ve really started to see a difference in my face. I am clear, I am glowing, and dare I say, I am KarJenner snatched! So while the procedure is a bit pricey, the results are kind of wild. I will absolutely be making this a part of my regular beauty routine. Thanks, Kimmy!

Treatment #2: The Hollywood IV drip

The next treatment I tried was an IV drip or NAD, which stands for nicotinamide adenine dinucleotide, a coenzyme naturally found in the body that helps cells produce energy while promoting overall health and beauty. The idea is that by getting vitamins and minerals directly into your bloodstream, you’ll feel more energized and look refreshed. Count me in!

I visited Dr. Ashley Cassan ND at Fifth in Winnipeg and since I wanted to mimic the chill vibes of supermodel besties Kenny and Hailey Bieber receiving the treatment in season 1 of The Kardashians, I brought a friend along. I barely noticed the needle that seasoned pro Cassan expertly attached while a NAD bag coursed through my veins. Almost immediately, a metallic, chalky taste lingered in my mouth, which I was told was “totally normal.” The entire treatment breezed by, but trust me, it’s more fun when you bring a friend to gab with.

Procedure time: Two hours
Price: $250-$350
Down time: The name of the game is hydration. Drink plenty of H20 and you’re pretty much good to resume regular daily activities, just maybe stay clear of lifting heavy objects for a few hours après in order to prevent bruising at the needle insertion site.
Worth it: While I definitely felt energized for the next day or so, I didn’t see any immediate results on my face. This treatment would be perfect to combat jet lag and exhaustion or put a pep in your step pre-event, but I’m not yet convinced that my skin saw that much of a difference, despite Bieber claiming, “I’m going to NAD for the rest of my life and I’m never going to age.”

Treatment #3: Laser hair removal

My goal in life is to be hairless from eyebrows to toes. So naturally, after seeing Kimberly and Khlo-money co-sign laser hair removal, I knew I had to try it.

The treatment involves zapping the root of unwanted hair follicles with a laser which eventually prevents regrowth. It can be used on any part of your body including the face, arms, legs and bikini area. To begin my transition to full dolphin, I bopped on over to Skin6 in Toronto and started with the bikini and full leg areas.

Now I know what you’re all here for: Does it hurt? On my legs, not at all, in fact it felt kind of nice, like a massage! But on the nether regions, there is an element of… surprise. I’m six sessions in with my angelic medical aesthetician Vivian Lau and every time I seem to forget that I am quite literally being zapped downstairs. The feeling is akin to a rubber band being snapped against your skin but nothing major, even though yes, I am a real baby about it. (Sorry Viv!)

Procedure time: 45 minutes to an hour per session
Price: Bikini (small area), six sessions for $350; full leg (large area), six sessions for $850
Down time: Virtually none. If you’re going to be exposed to the elements immediately after, sunblock is a must and tanning is a no-no. Oh and there’s a no shave rule for the next 48 hours. Easy peasy!
Worth it: I’ve still got a few sessions left but the results so far are bonkers. All I’ve left is a few small patches of hair and any regrowth is far thinner than it once was. IMO this should be an option given at birth. Consider me laser hair removal’s hired hype girl forever.

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